


Caught in the Cat

by HungLikeARainbro



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: Brotp, Friendship, Gen, HoloRimmer Returned, Hologram Headcanons, Snack Machines, mild sexual humour
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-05
Updated: 2019-03-05
Packaged: 2019-11-12 09:26:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,453
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18008282
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HungLikeARainbro/pseuds/HungLikeARainbro
Summary: Rimmer finds Cat in an embarrassing predicament and shows off some neat holoskills.Features Dave-Era Rimmer as Returned HoloRimmer.





	Caught in the Cat

**Author's Note:**

> I am thoroughly aware of the threesome implications here.

When Rimmer initially heard the sound in the distance his very first thought was that it was aliens. Now he knew there couldn't be any - the universe itself had told him so - but he was still desperately hopeful for their existence. That was the only reason he moved closer to the sound instead of running like his father when the collection plate came round in church.

He switched to soft-light mode for safety, and for stealth he muted his breathing and footfalls - an effect added by the programmers for realism and so that holograms wouldn't accidentally creep up on the living and frighten them into unliving.

It was difficult to locate the source of the sound as the miles of empty corridors were perfect echo chambers; but soon the sound was clearer and closer so Rimmer knew he was headed in the right direction and it was not long before he was able to work out what it actually was.

It was Cat - performing the perfect caterwaul as one would expect a cat to be able to do considering the term’s etymology.

Rimmer was annoyed at first. Cat had a habit for being overly dramatic and he could yowl as if he were dying about almost anything. They’d all at some point been had by his theatrics - thundering down the hallway towards his squalling only to find that he was simply upset because he couldn't get that extra inch of height in his hairdo, or that the sixth button on his jacket wasn't pearlescent enough and it threw off the uniformity, or his hair-removal wax was too hot.

Rimmer listened closely to the pitiful cries. They sounded real for once. He shook his head and decided he would check it out just in case. A few corridors later and he found the Cat sat on the ground and leaning against a snack machine wailing. Sensing but not hearing another presence, the forlorn feline turned around with a startled yelp. His face fell immediately when he saw Rimmer. “Aw man. Why'd it have to be you?” he groaned.

“Well sod you then,” said Rimmer, about to walk away when Cat yelped again. Rimmer switched back to hard-light and moved nearer. “What's wrong with you this time? Are your trousers clashing with the soda cans?”

Unhappily, he shifted to reveal the problem and Rimmer burst out laughing. Cat’s arm was halfway up the inside of the machine holding onto a snack. “It got stuck,” Cat said with a pout.

“Oh this is a classic,” Rimmer chortled and wiped a tear from his eye. “We're going to be laughing about this for weeks.”

“Shut up and get me out, Goalpost-Head!”

“That's not a very nice way to ask for help,” he replied smugly. “I would say get on your knees and beg but you're already down there aren't you.”

Cat looked at him as if he were contemplating whether or not it was possible to murder a hologram. “Just do something. It hurts!” he whined.

“Very well,” said Rimmer. He looked over the machine carefully. “Snack Dispenser Number… hmm… 28. If you could be so kind.”

“Can't,” she said. “I've twiddled my coils and opened my slot and flapped the lid but no luck. Besides,” she said with a flash of her lights and a coy giggle, “I'm rather enjoying myself.”

Cat looked sick.

“That's disgusting,” Rimmer muttered to himself. He peered through the glass. Cat's sleeve was snagged on the end of one coil and his fingers were twisted inside another. No wonder he had been howling like a medieval castle ghost. Rimmer stood back and assessed the scene thoughtfully. He didn't really want to take the whole machine apart, mostly because it would mean admitting he didn't know how to, nor even how to put it back together again. After all, it was his job to know. “Alright,” he said after what was to Cat an excruciatingly long pause, “I have an idea.”

“Wow, no wonder you took so long. Did it hurt?”

“Considering you’re so desperate for help you could be a little nicer.”

“Nice to you? As if.”

“Fine. Stay here and rot. At least you're wearing black. Suitable for a corpse.”

“Hey wait!”

“Adios gato,” the cheerful hologram called over his shoulder as he began to march away down the corridor.

“Rimmer!”

He skidded to a halt in disbelief. He turned and saw the subdued feline pawing at the floor in embarrassment. Cat squirmed and mumbled, “I don't wanna be a corpse. I'm too gorgeous to die.”

Rimmer relented and he was a little concerned that he actually felt sorry for the furry moron. Cat truly was in a bad way if he had resorted to literal name calling. Rimmer approached the machine again. “Try to sit back as much as possible.”

“Don't rip my suit.”

“Yes yes, I'll be careful.”

Of course Cat was more bothered about his clothes than anything else, Rimmer thought. It was probably how he'd ended up so tangled up in the first place; trying to avoid ruining his previous sleeve.

Rimmer flexed his shoulders. “I'm not sure this will work. It's something I tried out a few times before when I was... away. But it didn't usually go to plan.”

Cat opened his mouth to protest but seemed to think better of it. He snapped it back shut and watched as Rimmer held out his hands against the glass. The sleeves of his uniform changed colour and his soft-light arms moved through the pane. Cat's eyes widened in fascination as the sleeves changed colour again, this time only what was on the other side of the glass. He felt Rimmer’s cool hands gently unhook his jacket from the one coil and then begin to reverse the other coil that had trapped his fingers.

“Ooooh,” said 28. “That feels good.”

“Please don't say things like that,” said Rimmer with a fierce blush on his face. “It's creepy.”

“She's been like this the whole time,” Cat moaned. “I started yelling to drown her out, not just for help. She wouldn't send a message to anyone neither.”

Rimmer had wondered why the machine didn't call anyone on Cat's behalf. “Maybe I should have just opened her up.”

28 squealed. “Oh my, how kinky!”

“Stop encouraging her! Ow!” Cat’s hand slipped suddenly from the coil and he pulled it out slowly but eagerly. He gazed at it sadly. “I'm going to need an emergency manicure after all that. Look at my skin, it's all grimy now. And my claws! I need a buffer, stat!”

Rimmer wasn't listening as he concentrated on turning his hands soft-light again to bring them out of the machine.

Cat watched on, secretly impressed. “That's pretty cool, y'know.”

Rimmer shook his arms back into hard-light mode. “Yes. It proved useful out in the field. Sometimes you need to get into nooks and crannies but you need to be able to touch too. Couldn't rely on it though. It's hard to focus when there are explosions and things all around.”

He went awkwardly quiet. Rimmer didn't talk much about being Ace, not even to Lister.

Cat took out an embroidered handkerchief from his top pocket and wrapped it around his hand to protect it until its treatment. “Still kinda cool,” he said in an effort to break the silence. “Even though it's you doing it.”

“Thank you,” said Rimmer and stiffly walked away. Cat shrugged it off as the usual peculiar monkey-behaviour he rarely understood and danced back to his boudoir.

*******

“Hey mate,” said Lister when Cat waltzed into the room feeling much better after an evening of pampering. “Where’ve you been?”

“Me? You don't know?” He looked over at Rimmer in his bunk trying to look casual, turning the pages in his book with an unsubtle cough.

“No.” Lister looked over at him too. “Did something happen?”

“Not that I'm aware,” Rimmer said with a haughty sniff. “Who knows and who cares what that mangy moggy gets up to all day.”

Lister shrugged and dealt Cat into his card game with Kryten. “Hey Cat,” he whispered surreptitiously, “I was telling Kryten about this brilliant entry in Rimmer’s diary from a few years ba-”

“Meh, not interested,” the Cat interrupted.

“Really?” said Kryten. “Usually you can't wait to hear something embarrassing about Mr Rimmer.”

“Not in the mood,” he said and slammed down his cards with a cry of delight. “Go fish!”

“That's not how Rummy works, mate...”

Rimmer turned another page in his book, doing his best to ignore his raucous crewmates and the constant pinging of his messenger account telling him that SM28 wanted to know when he and the Cat were free next.

**Author's Note:**

> The particles in Rimmer's hologram form seem to be able to work independently - as evidenced by his legs being able to detach and move around on their own - so I thought it would be cool if Rimmer could make different parts of himself soft or hard to suit the situations, and not necessarily have to change his whole body. Yes I know how that sounds and yes you should use this idea for porn.


End file.
